Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom!
by Spoonsie
Summary: Mainly HD and RHr Draco the sex god! The amazing exchange student from America! The naughty antics of the Hogwarts students! All of these cliches and more in Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This contains an extreme amount of HP fanfiction cliches and is not to be taken seriously whatsoever! Cliches include, but are not limited to: Draco the manwhore, MPreg, everyone's gay at Hogwarts, everyone gets oads of arse at Hogwarts, Mary Sue-ish OCs abound, extremely OOC Voldemort, veela!Draco, etc...

****

**Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom**

Draco Malfoy stood before his wardrobe, pondering just which pair of leather trousers he was going to wear to Hogsmeade that day. Sure, they all _looked_ the same--but that wasn't the point. There was his shagging pair, the pair he only wore if he were out for a good shag, there was his dating pair, you know--the pair he wore on dates (which didn't happen often as Draco liked his women--and his men--fast and no strings attached), and a whole host of other pairs for various events. After many minutes' speculation, Draco picked up his favorite pair--black, sleek, and perfectly arse-hugging. Draco smiled smugly to himself as he considered all of the various appointments he had set up for the day. Oh, yes. This Hogsmeade trip was going to be fun.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, Harry performed a silencing spell on Ron's bed as Ron sat propped against the pillows, white as a sheet.

"What if someone walks in?" he whispered. Harry shrugged. He hadn't actually thought that far yet. "Well, we'd better hurry up, people are starting to set off to Hogsme-" Ron was cut off by Harry's mouthupon his, and Ron decided that this was a lot better than talking. He wrapped his arms and Harry's waist to bring him closer, and Harry brought his hands up to tangle his fingers in Ron's red locks. Ron ran his tongue over Harry's lips, and he opened them with a sigh and brought his--

"Oi, Ron! Harry! You comin' or not?" Seamus yelled from the doorway.

"Bloody hell!" Ron yelled, pushing Harry out through the curtains and zipping up his trousers, which had mysteriously come undone during the snogging session. Seamus looked confused.

"What were you guys doing in there?" Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

"Studying," Harry said.

"Playing Exploding Snap," Ron said, at the same time. Seamus looked at the two of them suspiciously, but shrugged it off and headed towards the Common Room.

Ron expelled a sigh of relief. "I knew we were going to get caught!"he yelled. "I knew it! I told you, didn't I?"

"Seamus is kind of cute, don't you think?" Harry said after a few seconds, completely changing the subject.

"What? Argh--_Harry_!"

* * *

Draco stood by the Shrieking Shack, smiling from the excellent snog (plus a little more) that he'd just had with that Ravenclaw girl--what was her name? MandyBrocklesomething.Ah, bugger it. It wasn't as though he was ever going to see her again, anyway. He was just about to go back to the Three Broomsticks to meet up with his next appointment when he saw Ron and Hermione ambling their way towards him, completely oblivious to Draco's presence.He was sickened, and he wished they would take their disgusting lovefest elsewhere. _It's not that Granger isn't attractive_, Draco thought, _Merlin knows she's certainly filled out over the summer_...and she had. Draco'd decided that he would've wanted a go at her if she wasn't a filthy Mudblood. And then there was that incompetent Weasley...while redheads weren't his taste, he definitely wasn't _hideous_...Draco sighed and cleared his throat when the two lovebirds threatened to step on his expensive new shoes.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Weasel and the Mudblood. Off to go make the Shrieking Shack really shriek?" Draco paused to chuckle at his own delightful sense of humour, and then quickly shut up. Merlin, he was becoming more and more of a queen by the second. Hermione rolled her eyes as Ron lunged for him.

"Oh, just ignore him, Ron. Besides, I took tai kwan doe over the summer, I could probably take him out loads better than you could." Draco snorted. No wonder she was so..._built_. Ron turned red from the tips of his hair downwards, which Draco decided wasn't a wholly unattractive look.

"You know, Weasley," he drawled, "if you didn't spend all of your time with Mudbloods, _we_ could go investigate the... Shack." Draco turned a little so that the Weasel got a nice view of his arse.

"Er...I...er, what I mean is, er," Ron stammered. "I'm not a pouf!" Draco laughed.

"Who said I was?" Hermione stepped forward.

"Malfoy,sod off. You're being ridiculous, and you'd better stop before I reenact a particular incident fromour third year. Surely you rememberthat?"

Draco paled and turned back around, hiding his face from view. Damn her, that Mudblood wench! Damn her to hell! "It's really quite a shame that the only person who'll ever be stupid enough to want you is the Weasel, Granger." But before Ron had a chance to attack, Harry decided to make an appearance.

Harry'sinsides burned at seeing Ron's hand around Hermione's waist, and he knew the only reason Ron was letting Harry snog him was because he wasn't getting any from Hermione. But the burning in his insides soon melted as he took in Draco in that fabulous pair of leather trousers. Harry gulped and was very glad that he had chosen to wear his robes today, because _his_ trousers were becoming increasingly tight.

Draco rolled his eyes. Oh, fantastic, it was the Boy-Who-Lived come to save him from buggering Ron up the bumhole. Not that he would have done it, anyway, he was just trying to have a bit of fun with the attractive little redhead. Draco snickered. Judging by the size of those feet, Ron was anything _but_ little. Draco then noticed that Harry's green eyes had become dreamy as he stared at the Slytherin, and he smiled. Oh, the joys of being part-veela, he thought with a sigh. The fact that he was part-veela wasn't something Draco liked to tell often--he certainly didn't want anyone to know that he'd had a little genetic help in the girls-getting area of things.

He paused to look at Harry some more. Now that Draco thought about it, Harry was actually quite attractive, what with his sparkling green eyes and Quidditch-toned muscles...and as far as he knew, completely without a romantic attachment. Not that Draco had any qualms about shagging people already in relationships. It was just that it was between Harry and Ron, and Harry didn't come with an annoying (but attractive) Mudblood attachment.

"D-D-Draco," Harry stammered. Ron and Hermione were shocked. Had Harry just called Malfoy by his _first name_? Draco smirked again. Interesting Hogsmeade trip, indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom**

Mary Sue McAllister sat daintily in the Gryffindor common room, her wide, beautiful blue eyes taking in her surroundings. She did hope that she would fit in well here at Hogwarts, but she assumed it wasn't every day that transfer students from America enrolled because their parents had been killed by You-Know-Who. She sighed and clutched her bag. A few seconds later, two boys and a girl walked into the common room, looking very happy.

"Oh!" The girl said, stopping short. "And who are you?" Mary Sue stood up.

"I'm Mary Sue McAllister! I just transfered here from the United States, and I got sorted into Gryffindor. Who are you guys?" Ron stopped dead in his tracks. Who was this beautiful girl? He looked from her to Hermione, and decided that Mary Sue wasthoroughly more beautiful, and that he'd probably get a lot more arsefrom her than Hermione.

"I'm Ron Weasley!" He said, bounding forward to shake her hand vigorously. But at the touch, Ron was struck by a spark of lightening that jumped from Mary Sue's hand to his. "Agh! What the bloody hell was that?" Mary Sue blushed. Oops...and she was hoping she wouldn't have to tell anyone about the powers that had been transferred from her to Voldemort in her daring act to save her parents!

"I'm Harry Potter," Harry said, feeling a little depressed. He'd been hard-pressed to come up with a good excuse as to why he'd called Draco by his first name, so instead of thinking something up he'd dragged them all (sans Draco) to the Three Broomsticks for some illegal Firewhiskey. When that didn't work out, and Ron had dragged Hermione off to some remote corner of Hogsmeade tosnog, Harry had taken to stalking Draco in his invisibility cloak. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone.

"And I'm Hermione Granger," Hermione said bitterly. Oh, she'd seen the way Ron had been looking at her--and she didn't like it. Ron was really very sexually incompetent, so thank Merlin she was secretly shagging Ginny--she was such a little minx!

Mary Sue, on the other hand, grinned happily and bounced a little. New friends were so exciting!

* * *

Draco saw that new girl--what was her name?--Mary Sue, sitting at the Gryffindor table and shook his head. He'd just gotten an owl from his father telling him about her, and how she'd tried to rescue her parents from the Dark Lord. Draco rolled his eyes. Just what Hogwarts needed--another hero. Not that he minded their current one too much, that is. Yes, ever since he'd made eye contact with Harry at Hogsmeade, he'd fallen hopelessly in love with the Gryffindor Seeker. Not that he'd admit it to anyone. But Draco _did_ know that he needed to see him again, and fast. At least he'd already done the forward-thinking thing sent an owl to Harry, telling him to meet him outside of the prefect's bathroom late that evening.

* * *

Hermione led Mary Sue into the Potions dungeon, forcing the girl to sit as close to the Slytherins as possible. Hermione, on the other hand, rushed up to the front so that she could get a better view of Professor Snape, who had mysteriously become quite attractive and certainly not as mean as he used to be. Professor Snape turned around and inspected the new student, immediately glad for the robes that covered the growing tightness in his trousers.

"And you are...?" He asked the stunningly breathtaking blonde.

"Mary Sue McAllister!" Mary Sue said happily, beaming up at the professor. Draco scowled. Well, this was going to be a fun Potions class.

After Potions had finished and Professor Snape had spent ten minutes trying to come up with an excuse to give Mary Sue detention (which he did, eventually, when she knocked over her cauldron--"No points from Gryffindor, but detention for you young lady!"), Ron ran to catch up with the beautiful blonde girl.

"Snape's a right git, isn't he?" Mary Sue twirled a blonde curl around her fingers.

"Oh, I don't think so...I think he's quite nice, actually!"

"Yeah!" Ron said, completely changing his opinion of Snape, "That's what I think, too! Hey, look, it's a broom closet!" Mary Sue stopped in front of the broom closet. Wow, a broom closet! They didn't have any of those in the States! She opened the door and peeked inside. It was convienently empty. After a few seconds' debate with himself, Ron pushed Mary Sue inside and locked the door behind him.

"What was that for?"

"I saw--I saw a teacher coming!" He whispered. Mary Sue giggled. She turned to face Ron and, finding his eyes in the darkness, leaned in to kiss him.

* * *

Draco paced back and forth outside of the prefects' bath, wondering if that git Harry was going to show up at all. Just then, Harry appeared from under his invisibility cloak, looking flushed and thoroughly delicious.

"Harry!" Draco squealed, and then stopped himself, because He. Was. Not. Gay. "I mean, _Potter_." Harry pressed his lips together and leaned heavily against the wall.

"If you've come here to shag me, Draco, there's something I have to tell you," Harry began. "During the summers I live with my relatives, the Durselys. They're right horrible, but their son especially so...and every day he'd threaten to do me me up the bum, and then this summer he actually did it! So that's why--" Draco was shocked.

"You mean...you've been abused, too?" Harry looked up through teary eyes.

"Wha--?"

"My father, that bastard! Every night he beat me, and now I hate him, and I'll never join the Death Eaters! Never!" Draco rushed forward and pulled Harry into a tight hug.

Harry was bewildered.

"I--I--I don't know what to say, Draco," Draco nearly melted into Harry's arms at the mention of his first name coming from such perfect lips, but he pulled himself together and said the password for the baths. He pulled Harry inside and turned on all of the taps. Harry pushed his glasses up his nose, leaningforward to kiss Draco. Draco welcomed the kiss, and as they kissed Draco pulled off Harry's glasses and tossed them to the side, hoping they wouldn't break because as of now, his brain was focused on the kissing and he wouldn't have been able to remember a repairing spell if his life depended on it. Harry's fingers flew to undo the buttons ofDraco's shirt, and he smiled. Finally, someone that understood him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** I laughed SO HARD when I was writing this chapter. It's just so completely ridiculous I can't even believe it. And for some reason, Voldemort ended up sounding like a Ringwraith. Just go with it.

**Harry Potter and the Cliches of Doom**

Hermione took the silencing spell off of her bed as she watched Ginny button up her shirt. "I think Ron's shagging the new girl," she said forlornly. Ginny frowned.

"So? You're shagging me, aren't you?" Hermione waved her hand dissmisively.

"You don't count!" Ginny scowled again. It was really too bad that Harry had admitted to her that he was gay three weeks ago, because Ginny was certain he'd be a lot better in the sack than Hermione. Hermione ran away to go find Ron, leaving Ginny alone in the girls' dormitory. Soon after,the door opened and in walked Mary Sue, beaming like the sun.

"Ginny!" She said happily.

"Mary Sue..." Ginny said, a little less happily. It was hard for Ginny to be happy these days, especially when she was harboring such a big secret: that diary, the one she'd had when she was eleven, well...it had never really been destroyed. No, Ginny had placed a decoy in the Chamber of Secrets and was now conducting an extremely secret, extremely sexual relationship with Tom Riddle so that she could cope with Harry's homosexuality.

Mary Sue plopped down on Hermione's bed and drew her perfect, model-length legs up to her ample chest. "Ginny, can we talk?" Ginny shrugged. She had a date with her diary in ten minutes, but she supposed she could sparesome timefor the blonde beauty. Mary Sue turned her suddenlytear-filled baby blue eyes up to Ginny's, and wailed.

"Voldemort is after meeeeeee!" Ginny drew back at the mention of His name.

"You can't say that!" She hissed. Mary Sue began to cry huge elephant tears.

"That's why I came to Hogwarts! He tried to kill my parents and I tried to save them but then some of his EVIL powers transferred to me and now...now...I think I've killed your brother!" Ginny stopped. What? She killed Ron?

"WHAT?" Mary Sue nodded.

"I killed him! We were kissing, he's so cute, and then--and then--some lightening sparked out of me and he fainted! Oh, Ginny, what am I going to do!" So Hermione was right! Ron _was_ shagging the girl! Ginny shook her head, trying to decide whether to laugh or growl, and at that very moment Harry burst into the room. Ginny looked up.

"Harry! What are you doing here?" Harry looked bewildered, and fled out of the girls' dormitory.

* * *

Draco smashed yet another expensive glass ornament against the wall of the common room, praying that Blaise wouldn't walk in. Merlin knew Draco didn't want Blaise to see him having a fit like this--not after Draco'd cried out Harry's name during the excellent shag they were having the night before. Draco flopped down onto his black silk sheets, frowning. He still hadn't replied to that owl his father had sent him--the one demanding him to join up with the Death Eaters...or else! Draco groaned and rolled over. He would never join the Death Eaters, not even if the Dark Lord himself offered him a golden palace filled with Harry Potter clones bent over and shouting, "Do me, Draco!" The door to the dormitory opened and Draco heard a raspy voice.

"Draaaacoooo...Malllfooooooy..." Draco sat bolt upright. He'd just been kidding about the Dark Lord thing! Just kidding! Peeking around his curtains, Draco's suspicions were confirmed: Voldemort was indeed standing in his room, prowling the area for Draco. Voldemort ripped open the curtains to Draco's bed.

"Wheeeere issss the giiirl?" Draco looked around. Girl? What girl? He was a flaming queer, there wouldn't be any--Draco stopped himself.

He.

Was.

Not.

Gay.

"Yessss you aaaaaare," Voldemort hissed. Draco squealed like a girl and dove behind his curtains. Voldemort frowned, and decided that for now he wouldn't AK the Son of Lucius. There were more pressing matters at hand, and obviously theannoying American girl was not here.

* * *

Harry speared a piece of carrot with his fork and gazed over at the Slytherin table, where Draco was sitting a little ways off from his friends. It was so unusual, to see him not surrounded by his usual gang of minions, that Harry wanted to cheer,stand up on the table and do a tap dance, but he didn't think Seamus would appreciate that much.

Across the Great Hall, Draco watched Harry eat with disgust. The little bugger doesn't have any problems at all, he thought to himself. Okay, well, except for the whole Dark Lord chasing him bit. And the whole dead-parents bit. And the fact that he lived with Muggles for the summer holidays, which was a punishment not evenWeasel and the Mudblood should have to endure.That must suck. Draco was tired of being hunted down by his father, and the recent episode with Voldemort in the dormitory had put Draco off of leather trousers for days now, even though he wasn't sure why. He spotted Mary Sue laughing and giggling with Lavender, feeling some slight pity that she didn't know the Dark Lord was after her. And from what he could see, she desperately needed a better dye job, a manicure,and a new pair of shoes while she was at it, or hey, why not an entire shopping spree? Draco's eyes lit up with the prospect of a shopping spree, and then the light immediately died down.

Draco.

Was.

Not.

Gay.

At.

All.

But he _was_ desperately in love with Harry Potter.

* * *

Ron walked into the common room, hoping that someone had saved him some dinner. He was startled by a black, hooded figure sitting by the fire, twiddling his thumbs. The figure stood up, turned to face Ron, and...

"V-V-V-" Ron couldn't bear to say his name.

"Yessss, that'ssss meeeeee..." Voldemort said. He pointed his wand at Ron and cackled evilly. "Wheeeeere issss the giiiiiirl?" Ron blubbered and looked about, hoping, praying that Voldemort wouldn't _Avada Kedavra_ him.

"I don't-I don't-I don't know what you're-" and then he fainted. Voldemort rolled his eyes and pointed his wand down at Ron, opening his mouth when-

"Expelliarmus!" Hermione jumped through the portrait hole (her breasts bouncing jovially) and Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand. Hermione bent down over Ron, cooing and cradling his face in her arms. She stood up. "HOW DARE YOU?" She screamed. Voldemort smiled and shook his head.

"Iiiiii've got you right where I waaaaant yoooooou," he said, before Disapparating with a pop. Hermione was shocked.

"You can't--you can't--you can't Disapparateon the Hogwarts grounds!" she said to the thin air.

* * *

Harry stopped crying as soon as he heard Draco step into the prefects' bathroom. "Oh my God, you've been crying!" Draco rushed over to Harry and looked into his sparkling green eyes, and then immediately snapped himself out of it. What was he, gay?

"Of course I haven't been crying!" Harry wailed. At that exact moment, Draco started to cry as he was overwhelmed by all that had happened to him. "What's that matter?" Harry asked soothingly.

"The-the-the Dark Lord came into my dormitory and he found out that I'm gay even though I'm _not_! And my Daddy wants me to join the Death Eaters and I'll probably die because he'll kill me when I tell him that I'm in love with Harry Potter!" Draco bawled into Harry's shoulder. Harry was bewildered, but brought his Quidditch-toned arms up around Draco to comfort him anyway.

"Voldemort got into Hogwarts?" Draco nodded and blubbered. "Oh no! I have to get back to the common room!" Draco stopped crying and pouted.

"But we haven't even shagged yet!"

"And we won't, not ever, not unless it's completely miraculous and can heal me of all the trauma I've suffered at the hands of Dudley!" Draco paused to think.

"Yeah, I can do that." Harry stopped and weighed his options. It was either go rescue his friends from Evil Lord Voldemort, or stay in the cozy prefects' bath and shag Draco. Wow, what a toughdecision.

"I guess I can stay here for a little while longer..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Harry Potter and the Cliches of DOOM.**

"Ron, we need to stop doing this," Harry said from his kneeling position. Ron sighed and zipped up his trousers.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. I've been an arse. I'm not even gay!"

Harry was bewildered.

"You're not? But I thought--I thought everyone here was gay!" Ron shook his head.

"Guess you thought wrong?" Harry nodded and laid back on Ron's bed. "So, I think Hermione's mad at me," Ron began. Harry waved his hand for Ron to continue. "Yeah, last night after that crazy fiasco with You-Know-Who in the common room-"

"VOLDEMORT WAS IN THE COMMON ROOM?" Ron nodded.

"Yeah, mate, it was right scary, but Hermione saved me after I fainted,and that's not the point of this story. The point of the story is that I nearly shagged Cho in the Quidditch locker room this afternoon!"

"WHAT?" Ron nodded miserably.

"She'd just come in from practice, and was all sweaty and gorgeous and everything, so I thought maybe I'd go and talk to her...I didn't know it would end up with us in the showers together! Please don't tell Hermione, all right?" Harry sat up.

"Why would I tell Hermione?"

"Erm...I dunno...because you would?" Harry rolled his eyes and flopped down on the bed.

"I wouldn't tell her because I have loads more important things to think about." Harry turned and looked Ron in the eyes. "I'm in love." Ron groaned inwardly. Great, this is the part where Harry would tell him that he was in love with him, and then Ron would have to politely explain to Harry that he wasn't gay. And that he would never be, for that matter. Poor misguided Harry!

"...with Draco Malfoy."

It took several seconds for that to settle in. "WHAT?" Harry sighed dreamily.

"Yeah...I didn't want to tell you this before, but I just can't contain myself! He's so amazing Ron, you should really give him a chance, and you should--"

"But Malfoy isn't gay!"

"I know. But it doesn't matter when you're in love!"

* * *

Mary Sue zoomed around the Quidditch pitch on her Firebolt, completely oblivious to the fact that Voldemort had stormed her common room hours earlier on a search for her. Since she was the new Gryffindor Quidditch captain, she was getting in a few extra flies before the first game versus Slytherin. She hovered in mid-air as she watched a short blond boy she'd seen in her Potions class walk onto pitch with his broomstick in hand. She flew down to meet him.

"Hey!" She shouted cheerily. Draco beamed at her, and then immediately stopped, but then started back up again. Why _not_ let the world know that he'd just shagged the most excellent, shag-worthy boy in all of Hogwarts?

Because his father would kill him, that's why. Draco'sbeam immediately turned into a scowl, then turned right back into a beam when he remembered the excellent shag he'd had the night before, and his discovery that Harry's skills as Seeker translated into masterful skills in the bedroom. Or Prefects' bath.

"Hello!" He yelled. Mary Sue hopped off her broom. Hm, this boy was kind of cute, and those leather trousers he was wearing were probably a nightmare for flying, but they certainly made his arse look nice.

"I'm Mary Sue!" Draco's scowl returned as he remembered that this was the girl the Dark Lord had come looking for.

"The Dark Lord's after you, you know," Draco drawled. Mary Sue's huge blue eyes opened wide and she gasped in shock.

"How do you know?" Draco rolled his eyes. Must he be constantly surrounded by fools?

"He came into my dormitory looking for you, that's why!" Mary Sue curled up into a ball on the ground and started to cry.

"Oh, this is horrible! Just terrible! Oh, I'd better go back to my common room!" With that, Mary Sue hopped up andtook off for Gryffindor Tower, leaving Draco alone on the Quidditch pitch. Suddenly, Draco began to feel extremely naseous. Thinking that he wouldn't be able to hold back the vomit for long, he ducked under the stands just in case anyone was watching. It was terribly unseemly for a Malfoy to vomit in public, after all.

* * *

Professor Snape swirled the contents of the potion he was holding about inits jar, and handed it to Draco. "It doesn't look good, sweetie," he said with a sigh. It was a shame, really, for Draco was such an attractive boy...Professor Snape smiled to himself. Maybe he could give him detention? Yes, then he could have both Mary Sue and Draco for his pleasure that evening...but seeing the greenish cast of Draco's face, Snape decided against it.

"You mean...I'm _pregnant_?" Draco whispered. Snape nodded.

"'Fraid so, hon." Draco rolled over on his stomach and tried not to cry, but it was awfully hard. Falling in love with Harry Potter was sending him on an emotional rollercoaster.

"Please tell me who the father is," Draco wailed. Snape examined the potion's colours.

"Harry Potter...?" Draco sat up immediately.

"WHAT? Give me that!" He snatched the potion from Snape, and even though he couldn't decipher the meaning of the colors or the smell, he started to cry anyway.

"Didn't know you were gay," Professor Snape said after a few minutes.

"I'M NOT GAY!"

* * *

That evening at supper, Dumbledore stood up to give an announcement. "It has come to my attention that Voldemort has found a method of getting into Hogwarts. He was spotted in the Gryffindor Common Room yesterday evening--hey, everyone! Chill out! The prefects will now take everyone back to their common rooms, and I will give them further instructions from there." Everyone was indeed panicking, and it took Hermione three tries and four undone buttons, and a nice view of her cleavageto get the majority of Gryffindors to listen to her and head up to the common room.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore had summoned Mary Sue and she approached him fearfully. "Oh, what have I done wrong?" she asked.

"I know Voldemort is after you," he said, pulling out a large purple amulet on a string. "So take this. Your mother left it to you before she died, and it will protect you in any situation!" Mary Sue gasped and took the shining purple amulet from Dumbledore.

"Oh, my God you have no idea what this means to me!" She hugged Dumbledore and ran off the the Gryffindor common room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Harry Potter and the Cliches of DOOM**

Draco watched Harry pace back and forth outside of the prefects bath. Shouldn't he be in his common room by now? That is, after all, what Dumbledore had ordered...

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for being out in a time of emergency!" Draco yelled as he sprang out of the shadows. Harry stopped his pacing and looked up.

"Twenty points? But--but you can't take points from me!"

"Oh? And why not?"

"Because...because we're _in love_!" Draco rolled his eyes. He was really in no mood for Potter's Gryffindorian antics, couldn't he see that? Honestly, he wasn't even wearing his leather trousers. Partly because they wouldn't fit due to the unseemly bloating that comes with pregnancy, but he certainly wasn't going to tell_him_ that.

"And you think that just because we're in love I can't take points from you? Really, Potter--"

"I've been up your bum, Draco, I really think you can call me by my first name now." Harry's comment brought Draco back to exactly what he had come looking for Harry for, and his anger mounted all over again. He hissed the password to the baths, and dragged Harry inside. Harry started to take off his shirt, but Draco grabbed his arms and pressed him against the wall.

"Speaking of being up my bum! Speaking of that! _SPEAKING OF THAT_!"

Harry was bewildered.

"Er...yes...speaking of that...?" Draco paused, and thought how to best handle the situation.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for getting me pregnant!"

"WHAT?" Harry wrestled out of Draco's grip and jumped back, shocked. A man, pregnant? This was ridiculous!

"You heard me! Pregnant! With child! In the family way! I've got a bun in the oven! Take your pick, Pott-"

"Harry."

"Take your pick, _Harry_, but that's how it is! I. Am. _Pregnant_!" Harry sagged against the wall in shock. Well, this was odd. Only several days of being in love and he was already going to be a father. Suddenly, a huge grin spread across Harry's face.

"You're pregnant!" he whispered happily. Draco rolled his eyes and tapped his foot impatiently. This is what he got for falling in love with a Gryffindor, though, wasn't it? An insane amount of witlessness.

"I think I've already mentioned that one."

"This is great!"

"GREAT? You think this is GREAT? I can't believe you! What if people find out about this? Do you know how hard it is to be intimidating when your nine months pregnant?" Harry shook his head. He didn't have any idea, and he was pretty sure Draco didn't either.

"Come on! You mean you don't think this is wonderful? A baby! A product of our love! A combination of rather great shagging session! The fruit of our loins! The--"

"Potter, SHUT IT." Harry stopped speaking and pouted a little.

"Draaaacoooo," he cooed, slowly undoing the buttons ofDraco's shirt. Draco swatted his hand away, scowling. There was absolutely no way he was letting Potter get into his uncharacteristically large trousers that night. But Harry didn't stop. Instead he just moved down to said uncharacteristically large trousers, with a sly, very Slytherin smile on his face as he undid the zip in a painfully slow fashion.

"_Fine_," Draco said with a sighonce his trousers were down around his ankles and Harry was looking up at him expectantly. "But I get to be on top this time, all right?"

* * *

Mary Sue crept slowly down the stairs of Gryffindor Tower, clutching her amulet. If Dumbledore thought she was just going to peacefully sleep while Voldemort was out there, hissing up a storm and killing people left and right, he had another think coming! Grinning wildly, she stepped into the common room and whispered, "_Lumos_," only to be greetedby the sight of a half-naked Ron and Hermione snogging on the couch. Ron immediately jumped up and raised his hands as if to say, "I didn't do a _thing_!" and Hermione turned bright red as she moved to quickly cover herself up with Ron's shirt. Mary Sue pouted. And she'd thought that Ron was all hers!

"What are you doing down here?" Hermione whispered angrily.

"I could ask the same thing of you!" Mary Sue said, her eyes brimming with tears. "I can't believe you did this to me!" she bawled, rounding on Ron. "I thought you were my One True Love!" Ron had the grace to look more than slightly embarassed as Hermione made a noise of disbelief from her place on the couch.

"Oh, honestly! This can't be true!" Hermione looked at Ron. "Right, Ron?"

"Er...well...we did snog--"

"YOU SNOGGED?"

"Once! Once! It was just ONCE, that one time after Potions-"

"AFTER POTIONS?"

"Yes! ONE TIME AFTER POTIONS! All right, I admit it! I went behind your back and I snogged ONCE with Mary Sue in a broom closet after Potions!" Hermione gasped and stared at Ron. Then, she slapped him hard across the face and ran from the common room crying. "Er...that didn't turn out well..." Ron muttered.

Mary Sue, on the other hand, could have clapped her hands with glee. That annoying swot Hermione was gone, and good riddance! She slowly walked up to Ron and put her arms around his waist, pouting.

"Help me defeat the Dark Lord, will you?" Ron considered it. Here he was in the middle of the night, alone in the common room with an insanely attractive exchange student just _begging _her to help him defeat the Dark Lord. Though he thought she might have been talking about the actual Dark Lord rather than some obscure reference to her viriginity, he nodded.

"Alright, I'll help you. Just let me get my wand!"

* * *

Lord Voldemort was upset. Not only had he been stuck in a shack in the Forbidden Forest for ages, but Wormtail had forgotten to pick up his dry cleaning. AGAIN. It was a shame he couldn't AK the stupid rat. Sighing, Voldemort leaned back in his chair and took a toothpick to his teeth, fishing out the remains of his delightful lunch of caviar and foie gras. It took several seconds for the illustrious Lord of Darkness to realise that there was a knock on his door.

_It's Wormtail with the dry cleaning!_ he thought with glee as he pulled open the door.

But it wasn't Wormtail with the dry cleaning. It was two students. One, a blonde, beautiful witch with a glint in her eye and a very scary amulet, the other a very scared, horny-looking redhead with freckles and a smile.

Well. This was odd.


End file.
